| I
MISS MY FATHER |
 |
By Su Lu-pu
Translated by Lin Sen-shou
Drawing by Liu Chien-chih
My
father received his education during the Japanese occupation of
Taiwan. Thus, his eyes always had a stern force, and he was strict
and demanded a lot from us. We never dared to be close to him.
My love for Dad was always restrained, and there was an indescribable
sense of strangeness.
In the traditional fashion, our parents had
been brought together in a marriage arranged by a matchmaker.
Our parents worked very hard for us, but they never complained.
We were not rich, but we were happy. Just when we had grown up
and were able to help make life better for us all, my poor, overworked
mother fell sick and died.
After she had been buried, our strong father
changed completely. He started to drink, and he became withdrawn
and short-tempered. No matter what we tried to say to him, he
refused to listen and would even yell at us. Our spirits at home
dropped to an all-time low.
One cold winter night after a midnight movie,
I wandered around in the cold, lonely streets because I didn't
want to face the suffocating atmosphere at home. When I finally
got home, I saw that a yellow light was still on in my father's
room. I thought he had passed out again from drinking. Suddenly,
I heard a soft sobbing sound. When I opened his door, I found
Dad embracing Mom's picture and crying.
At that instant, grief and sorrow swept over
me! I'd never thought there would be a time when my strong father
could not take it. When Dad needed help, what did I give him?
Alas, I can't do anything for him now. Actually,
all I really wanted was simply to listen to his stories of the
war against Japan, or to read him something from the newspaper.
But now, I can only call out to him tearfully at night and look
for him in my dreams.
I often go to Dad's grave and carefully
pull every weed. Sometimes, tiny grains of sand fall on his tomb.
I can't dust them away nor can I pick them up. I can only blow
them away, blow them until I become dizzy, until the tears stream
down my cheeks again.
